10 Things A Doula Knows About You After Your First Visit

It’s normal to feel a little nervous or scared when you’re expecting a baby. If you’re looking for a little extra emotional, physical, or informational support, visiting a birth doula could be a good option for you and your partner. Doulas don’t replace your health care provider, but they can help guide you through your pregnancy so you feel safe and prepared when it’s finally time to deliver. Because doulas are very attuned to their clients’ emotions and needs, they may even be able to help you in ways you wouldn’t expect, says Samantha Hillstrom, a certified birth doula and childbirth educator and founder of Lavender Labor And Birth Services in Los Angeles. To do so, they use the powers of observation to assess expecting moms and dads early on and figure out what they most need to make their pregnancy happy and healthy. Here are some of the things they can tell about you during your first visit:

You Can Handle More Pain Than You Think
Maybe you’re into the idea of a drug-free childbirth, but you aren’t sure you’ll be able to cope with the pain. You’re scared. But you’re stronger than you think. You have lots of options beyond medication when it comes to coping with pain, and doulas can help guide you through many different techniques, whether that’s using a birth ball, getting into the hands and knees position, using massage, sitting in the bathtub, or applying counter pressure during contractions. “But coping with pain is only one part physical—the majority of it is mental,” Hillstrom adds. For instance, visualizing the whole birth process in detail can help you feel more relaxed and prepared, which can help you tap into your inner strength. Doulas will help you practice your pain coping techniques in advance, so you’ll know exactly what’s in your toolbox when the time comes.

Your Expectations Are Unrealistic
There are some type-A moms-to-be who know exactly how they want everything done right from the get-go: no medication of any kind whatsoever, delivery in the hands-and-knees position, skin-to-skin contact with the baby immediately—and they think doulas can automatically make it all happen. But sometimes everything you’re planning on just isn’t possible, depending on where you decide to deliver. Jenn Carlson, a doula and owner of Prodigious Birth Services in Springfield, Virginia, says many hospitals will keep you on your back in the delivery room, rather than letting you stand or get on hands and knees because that makes it easier for the doctor to control what’s happening. Having a clear birth plan and sharing it with your care provider can help clear up unrealistic expectations ahead of time, or it might help you realize that you’d actually prefer to give birth at home with a midwife.

Your Old Injury May Interfere With Delivery
Doulas can’t make any diagnoses about the state of your physical health since they’re not licensed health care providers. However, sometimes they can help guide you to things you might want to discuss with your doctor or midwife. Carlson always asks new clients if they’ve suffered trauma to the back, tailbone, or sacrum in the past because those types of injuries may affect your delivery. She recalls one client who told her she had worn a back brace for several years as a child. The woman had delivered her first child via a Cesarean, but hoped to deliver her second vaginally. “In that case, I was able to manage expectations for my client. Knowing that she did have this particular kind of trauma, it was more likely she would have to undergo surgery each time she delivered,” Carlson says. During labor, it was clear the client needed a second Cesarean, and, according to the doctor, it was because the back brace had tilted the pelvis in such a way that it was extremely difficult for the baby to descend.

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You’re Hiding Something
“Doulas are very attuned to pregnant people,” Hillstrom says, and by actively listening to the way you talk about your pregnancy and answer questions, they can tell if you have an underlying fear that runs deeper than typical anxiousness, maybe even something you don’t want to admit to your partner or yourself. One tip off is if you’re saying things that are contradictory. “Birth is a physical process, but it’s also an intensely emotional one, and it causes hidden anxieties to come to the surface,” Hillstrom explains. That could be anything from marriage trouble, to a difficult relationship with your own mother, or a history of sexual abuse. Doulas aren’t mind readers, so they may not know exactly what’s bothering you, but they definitely know when something is wrong, and they’re there to help.

You’ve Been Getting Your Info From The Internet

Relax: Eating sushi during pregnancy isn’t going to harm your baby. “There’s a lot of fear-based information out there,” Carlson says, and women who are fixated on every horrible thing that could go wrong have probably been spending too much time on Google. “The biggest problem is lack of education,” she adds, and by education she means enrolling in a birth education class, not hopping online or asking your friends’ opinions (they’re more likely to emphasize their own negative experiences over positive ones). Some popular parenting books are culprits as well, Carlson adds, so give books a skim before you buy. If they sound more scary than reassuring, leave them on the self. “If you take care of yourself, chances are you’ll have a good pregnancy and birth experience,” she stresses.

You're Great At Planning Things
Hillstrom says that when parents-to-be show up with a detailed plan of what’s going to happen after the baby is born—like you’ve arranged for your sister to come stay with you for the first week or two and have already been in touch with a lactation consultant—it can make the transition into new parenthood a little easier. There’s nothing wrong with being a go-with-the-flow type of family, but you’ll soon have a new baby demanding all of your time and attention, so it’s wise to get everything organized ahead of time—and if you’re looking to get more organized, try these 6 Holistic Habits Of Super Successful People. If you’re not sure what needs to be done, a doula can help you make up a checklist.

You Picked The Wrong Doctor
Doulas know the ins and outs of prenatal care and are familiar with medical lingo, so they can see right away if the type of care you talk about having is different from what you’re actually getting, even if you’re not aware of it yourself. Hillstrom says choosing a physician or midwife whose values align with yours is the most important thing you can do to make sure you’re satisfied with your birth experience. If you’re looking to go all natural but your doc has a reputation for using more conservative practices, chances are you’re going to get more pushback on your requests. The World Health Organization has said that cesareans should only be done out of medical necessity because they present undue risk for mothers and babies, so don’t choose a doctor who has a high rate of resorting to surgery if you’re hoping to avoid it. Do your research and decide what’s best for you as an individual.

You Have No Clue What’s Going On
If you think your doula is going to teach you everything you need to know about childbirth, think again. Carlson says she’s had clients who show up thinking that because they’ve hired a doula, they won’t need to enroll in a childbirth education or breastfeeding class. But doulas can’t do it all—and it’s not their job to be your personal tutor. They can provide you with resources and answer your specific questions, but it’s up to you and your partner to become informed about the process and about your care options.

Your Partner Is Freaking Out
The spotlight is usually on whoever’s carrying the baby, but it’s important to remember that there’s tremendous pressure on partners, too—after all, parenthood is a huge responsibility, and we’re trying our best to learn How To Be An Organic Parent. If your partner lets you do all the talking during a meeting with a doula or acts distant, it could be because he or she is feeling helpless or confused. In a situation like this, Hillstrom will make an effort to loop the partner in. “Doulas support the family unit, not just the pregnant woman,” she says. Sometimes that means suggesting things the partner can do to help prepare for the birth, like making sure the car is packed for the hospital, the registration is under control, and the fridge is stocked in preparation of delivery, or teaching the partner to give mom a massage. Being emotionally present is also important for expecting parents, and doulas may advise making time to do things together, like going on a walk or watching a movie, to help you both feel more connected.

The Stress Is Getting To You
Whether you keep glancing at your phone because you’re waiting for that important work email or are constantly worrying about everything that could go wrong during pregnancy, it’s apparent to a doula when you need to unwind. “I work with clients to help them let go and surrender to the process,” says Hillstrom. “If I see that somebody is anxious or scared, I’ll help her to start checking off the boxes of possible stressors.” That might be anything from helping you figure out childcare for your older kids to helping you pack your birth bag so you know you didn’t forget anything. A doula wants to help you feel as calm and relaxed as possible when it’s time to go into labor.

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